The truth

Okay, so it's not like I thought being a full-time teacher, wife, and mom would be easy. I figured it would have some serious challenges... but truthfully... this is so much harder than I ever could have imagined! I absolutely never even considered the idea of being a stay at home mom. It's no big surprise to anyone that I really love my job. I don't just mean that I love it because it provides us with stable paychecks (well, it will again once my unpaid maternity leave is done) or because it gives me something to do during the day - I truly love teaching. I love my students, I love my classroom, I love making cool lesson plans, I love helping kids kind of understand Shakespeare, I love having former students stop by or write me e-mails just to say hi... I freakin' LOVE being a teacher!

But you know what I don't love??

I don't love leaving Madelyn during the day - even though she is either at home with her daddy or with Aunt April at her house. Actually, I pretty much HATE that. I truly hate that after not getting to bed until midnight (thanks to grading and planning and helping John with Madelyn), waking up at 4:30am to feed Madelyn then get ready for work, and then being at school from 6am-3pm, I am far too grumpy and impatient with my baby girl. It isn't her fault when I have to deal with annoying parents and/or co-workers and/or the occasional ridiculous student all day long... it isn't her fault that I chose to be a working mom... I hate that I've been too exhausted lately to simply enjoy the company of my baby and husband. When I'm not feeding Madelyn, doing laundry, washing dishes, grading papers, making PowerPoints, creating lessons, or responding to parent e-mails, I fall asleep. Sometimes I get a chance to shower and eat, but not as frequently as I wish I did.

I hate that I'm not the mommy that gets to spend all day with her daughter, watching her grow up and not missing a second of it. I hate that I'm not the wife I got to be in California - I don't get up early just to cook bacon and eggs for John (neither of which I'd eat), I don't have time to clean the apartment or iron his work clothes, I rarely put effort into making good dinners, and I can't even tell you the last time we just cuddled up on the couch to watch a movie together. I also hate that I am no longer the type of teacher who does everything - I don't stay after school until 5 coming up with the best ways to improve lessons, I don't help judge the dance company auditions or school play auditions any more, I am not the one who is able to volunteer to help out with anything.

I have three jobs right now, and I feel like I'm seriously sucking at all of them.

So there it is. The truth.